My dear, I choose you.

I just wanted to say because I seldom do. I choose you everyday because, I do.
I chose you because you sparked a fire within me, but because you’re strong, strong willed, strong at heart, strong in your effort and for your strong and persevering love for me.
I chose you because you make me laugh, even when I don’t think I can, even when I don’t want to, even when I feel like I don’t know how to, even when I have lost my motivation to.

I chose you because you make me float but always brings me back to Earth when I seem to have drifted elsewhere. I chose you because you are humble in your accomplishments but proud of your team. Your pride shows me how good your heart is.

I chose you because you love to share your love for music, food, animals, family, friends, and me with me. I love you because you share your ups and downs and your rants about life with me. I chose you because you’re not at all what I dreamt to bump into. You’re so much more than that.

You’re not perfect, none of us are, but you are perfect for me and always has been and because you remind me every day how much you mean to me, how amazing, cheeky and handsome I think you are and how much you make me want to love you more than yesterday.

I chose you because we can be our true selves around each other and that is exactly who we love. I chose you because most of the time we are goofy and silly with each other, because life is entirely too short to be serious all the time, so we have our laughs and know when to be serious.

I love you because in your arms is where I find peace, home, happiness and because your cheeky, close eyed boob jiggling smile is absolutely unforgettable, your laughter is the most warming thing to me, your eyes are filled with the most genuine kindness for people, your kisses literally erase all my anxiety and worry and you are my drug.

I chose you because I wouldn’t want to experience life changing things without you or with anyone else. I chose you because you no matter how many times i say it, even after the darkest of times, your are my great adventure that I want to be on and live with all my life.

I chose you, because, I just did. Because I just do. Because that’s what I do.

T x

img_5265

Just a note.

Like its an absolute roller coaster ride, I know. I’ve felt a lot of things on this journey..pained, hurt, mislead, confused, mad, angry, shock, disbelief, lost, abandoned, cheated, fooled- but that’s the end of the list of ‘negative feelings’ that I’ve felt.

But what I’ve never felt is regret in falling in love with you. Its different to the regret of wanting to meet you or not at all. But in the abyss of it, I’ve never felt regret loving you. The list of ‘bad’ is limited but every new happy day, when the old newspapers have been chucked into the wastepaper basket, I feel rejuvenated, love that tickles my belly, love that lifts, puts the biggest goddamn smile on that’s ever paid a visit to my face.Knowing you are there, makes my heart swell with joy- joy I didn’t know existed before or joy that I never thought I could have or need. It’s like I opened the windows one morning and you swooshed in like the wind and swiped me off my feet, took my breath away and sat me up on the highest mountain top, the prettiest point on earth and said ‘there you go, you deserve that view, that spot and this joy. Its all yours to keep. You deserve it because you are you and I’d do anything to give you all that and more’

The negatives are definitely short lived because the sun shines after the rainfall. I realize that I don’t understand the negative feelings but I also know that one should never lose the understanding of their self worth. If it hurts, and it will hurt like hell, like the earth is ripping you up, but if it hurts, you must confront it. You must set your boundaries, ask the right questions and if you are faced with blankness, you have your answer. You must let go. When it rips you up, you must let go…

…because those who think that you matter, won’t put you in this place and if they did, they will fight as hell to bring you back.

-T x

sacred-writings-re-echoed-by-prophets-and-those-following-e1471896127749

A new beginning.

As 2016 races towards the finish line, I try and reflect on it and think of the new year that will be soon upon us. What I can do better and what mistakes I should not repeat.

If I’ve learned anything this year, it is that I will never be ready for what life throws at me. I won’t have the right words when it counts, I may be rash and disgruntled even when I try to be calm and composed. I won’t know what to chose when fate itself is staring down at me especially when I know what’s right and what’s wrong, but you want what’s bad. But I now know that I don’t always need to have the right answer. I don’t always need to ‘do the right thing’ as long as I know and believe in my gut and instincts.

I’ve learned that knowing what your true worth is, is the biggest discoveries of life. And allowing another to tarnish your true worth is the single most conscious decision one can do. Its always deliberate. Its just easier to stay and endure than leave and think that your world will fall apart.

I’ve learned I can go on waiting for something, sustained by hope and nothing more- or I can put it aside and shrug my shoulders but I seldom do. I’ve learned that I’m the kind of person who’d seek hope and believe in blind faith knowing I’ve been let down and I can’t change myself. I believe in giving not one, but many chances and everytime I’ve put my foot down, I’ve lifted it right back.

I can bravely accept the fact that I can’t keep my heart safe any more than I can stop love from taking everything from me. But the understanding of what self destruction  can do is maybe what courage is. To not let it affect me. To not let it take away or know that I am responsible for it.

I have learned to stop saying yes when I don’t mean it and to live as authentically as I know how to. To be bare bones against the storm and be proud of being raw, real and honest. To allow the tips of my fingers to skirt the darkness, as long as I remember to keep my eyes fixed on the light at the end of the tunnel.  And as one door opens and another closes, I will move forward with the knowledge that unlike so many others, I have another year ahead of me, another shot at making it all the way around the sun, and a chance to get it right this time round. Or maybe to make more viable choices. Maybe make the hard choices. To give up when needed and to give in when you know its the right thing to do. To let go when all you’ve done is held on.

As 2017 hurtles towards us, I will hope to be wiser and if not wiser, be stronger to take the things that push me down with a smile and not anger. I will learn that a smile is the most beautiful thing I have and can wear and it is the reflection to my soul. I know that I am kind and compassionate and self admiration is sometimes your own strength.

I hope everyone else realizes their own worth, their own flaws and admire themselves regardless because you are all you have.

Welcoming 2017 with open arms and ready to ride the new adventures. Merry Christmas y’all!

Peace & gummy worms,

-T. x

A meh day.

Some days, you just feel like meh. I’ve been sick lately and my ‘person’ who kind of gets me through everything really have been on leave so I have no one to go to. So I’m just slouching on a couch in my head. My mind just wanders around in circles and I’m not quite sure whether my head has swollen or that is just my eyes. Its all a bit clouded and blurry and meh.

I hate these phases. I need to just drink some soup and cry on the couch. Well not really. I’m usually more positive than that (maybe) but on days like this, a grown adult turns into a child and I would rather have F come over and tell me shit and laugh with me. Soup needs to be fed, sitcoms must be watched and life needs to happen. Or not. I’m just comfortable with life not happening right now. Just blue.

I cannot think of one exciting thing right now. I’ve had a great weekend, one of the most amazing, relaxing, comforting, perfect weekend, doing exactly what I love, spending it with exactly who I want to and being exactly where I wanted to be. I had the most successful Sunday too, first day of the week, bring Will Smith down and host to him (job perks?) and have praises rain down for the efforts. Come Monday, my person has left town on holiday, I’m exhausted after the surge of events, the relaxed weekend has vanished and I’m left with no voice (no idea how that happened!), a bad case of flu and fever, lost appetite and insomnia.

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously!

So now, I’m all mopey faced, red eyed, tired and don’t like people. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me and try not to breathe if you are in the vicinity. When you breathe it annoys me. Or something similar. *Looks for bubble to reside in for a few days* Worse, I expect a happy call or a pick me up from the person, but the person is away. My sister is away. So basically everyone sucks. Plain, blatant- sucks.

And because everything sucks, there is no nice way of saying it. Probably not the best thing to say on a public blog where everyone is amazing and reads and leaves wonderful comments, what would the best way to be all people loving, rosy and cheerful again? A suggestion that wouldn’t be curling up on the couch with your favorite person, watching sitcoms and getting hair stroked and soup fed that is.

Yoga you say? Even my dogs or my dog and his dog friend haven’t been able to raise my spirits too much. Help!

-T x

Therapy.

There are a few different types of it. Therapy that is. Some people associate therapy with a big leather chair and a pair of spectacles assessing the subjects on a brown leather couch. They associate therapy with white washed walls, a window with the sun peering through and a white vase of bright flowers (a sign of positivity). For some, therapy is meditating. Time away from time. Time away from people and things and places and responsibility. Therapeutic.

Therapy also takes the form of hobbies; cooking, art, yoga, reading, travel.

I was told I need therapy. I should see someone and ‘talk’ to someone. I had a small war raging inside of me thinking about the positives and negatives of Therapy. Should I see someone? Why do I need to see someone? Do I have a problem? I don’t really think I have one that I can’t identify. I was too posh, too perfect, too intact (delusional) to go to therapy. Little miss fancy. But the truth is, I was terrified of what therapy might bring. I don’t need someone to talk to ‘figure me out’. Or so I thought. I know I may be stereotypical about the whole idea and it does help a lot of people. People who can’t talk to themselves or to people. Maybe commutation difficulties. Point being, I didn’t think therapy was right for me and I was too scared to give it a shot. What if they made me do what I didn’t want to? Make me forget what I didn’t need to?

Today I discovered the kind of therapy I need. I’m not a white walls and bright flower pot kind of person. And you know what, I think I could even do the white walls if I had to now. I could stare back at the spectacles and run with it. I am now okay with the idea of the walls, the spectacles, the leather couch, the intent gaze. Because my dear person, you’ve made me realize that just a little bit of attention goes a long way. It is the therapy that works the best. Love and attention.

Therapy to me, my friend, is you. A listening ear, a comforting hug, a cup of coffee, a silly comment, a cheeky grin, good music, the wind sneakily blowing through a small window crevasse, the first morning sunshine. That’s real therapy. Good conversation, in any setting, and knowing that someone cares, can heal wounds that haven’t even been born yet. That’s the kind of therapy that touches not just the mind, but the heart and soul.

So my person, I’d like to thank you for being my person. For being the comforting touch, the healing hug, the smile on my face and for picking me up everytime I fall. I’d like to thank you for being the therapy and the therapist and everything in between. I can ‘see someone’ but I’ve realized that there is nothing one can’t tell another who they are comfortable with and there are very slim chances that, that route may not work. Sometimes all you need is someone who cares. You maybe my downfall but you are my pick-me-up. There is so much power in a strong gaze, a stare right into the eyes, a mirror into the soul. I believe you now. But not a person you pay to listen to you, but a person who stares into your eyes and tells you how much their life would be incomplete with you and your sanity. There is so much power in commitment, in trust, in faith. There is so much that the two together can rebuild. I’ve been wandering around to find the meaning of a soulmate. A true soulmate who’s souls reflect each other’s. Therapy to me is having found that soulmate and allowing them to heal you. Therapy is counting stars under the night sky. Listening to the rain. A puppy dog with lots of fur. A healing of the soul that no number of countless hours in sessions can bring. They may reach your brain but can they heal your heart? They can tell you and teach you and ‘talk you out’ of your crazies but belief- only another who really wants your crazies yet needs to you keep your sanity,  can teach you.

I never had a doubt on who you were but I always doubted the flaws of society, the flaws of reality that push and pull us and tear us down. People need therapy because we are bruised by words, trends and lack of faith. I too didn’t have it. I didn’t have faith. On no one, on no thing or place. I sometimes didn’t know if I could trust myself. The world is a stage after all and you’re just an act. I thought we were merely playing our parts. That is not entirely false, we are playing our part but that very stage helps create our own little story too. I now have faith in my little story.

Therapy to me is having found that story. Therapy to me is having found the people who will play their roles. To me, therapy is knowing and having discovered what I want my story to be and who I want in it. Therapy to me is having someone to build my story with me, fix the plot as we go, fill it with creativity, help me make the best story there ever can be.

So thank you my person, for making me realize what I was throwing away. For gazing into my eyes and making me believe that not all hope is lost. For touching my soul and saying that mine mirrors yours and it would be incomplete if I tore it up. For telling me, even if the second, the third, the fourth chances are gone, the fifth will be created and you’ll help fix. For planting a seed today that will be a tree tomorrow. A very healthy, strong tree. A tree that can’t be uprooted.

– T x

I dream.

I sometimes dream of peace. Sometimes I just want the mind to shut down and stop thinking, stop wandering about. To think of nothing. Sometimes I want to care about nothing. Feel nothing. That’s a trick one. To feel nothing. I never stop. I start my day, sometimes at 4.30am in the morning, I go to work like 80% of the people in this country and keep at it, my mind is rushing but it has no time to breathe, to heal, it keeps running. Sometimes I want to slow down but that wouldn’t help either. You paste a face, the default expression that works for 95% of the days and pull a brave one and keep going. It’s only at times like today, when it’s 10.32pm at night and my weary eyes can’t keep up with my brain and my aching bones long for a snuggle, I can’t stop. The mind won’t stop wondering. There is a peace that is missing. That is stolen. While the world lays comfortably and settles into the goodnight, here I am fighting to stay up because I can’t settle. I cannot go gently into that goodnight. 

I dream of snow capped mountains and little buds of yellow blooming on the side of the hills. I dream of the winds blowing bare in my face. I can feel the cool breeze behind my ears and my freshly shaved head. I dream of puppy dogs wandering about on the fresh earth beneath my naked feet. I can almost feel the chills of the cool weather give me goose pimples under my maroon robes and I look up at the glistening sun over the hills that give me a small tear of joy while the edges of my mouth curl up into a smile. I dream of nature and the smell of fresh leaves all around me. The morning dew glistening on the bluebells and the rain of the previous night which has washed away the non-existent worries of yesterday. I can almost hear the beautiful hymns in the background and smell the incense sticks incessentantly burning away, giving fragrance to my soul. So pure, so divine. Oil lamps burning in a distance, little kids learning the good way of life. 

I dream the time when desire, lust, greed, expectation didn’t exist and a day when there would be no more wants, just the eagerness to give selflessly. I dream of living in a heaven where kindness is in abundance.

For we fear to die to go to hell, not knowing that hell is what we live in because we could never discover the heaven that we already have. 

-T x. 

Nepal Calling…

2 years ago, I went to Nepal.

That’s what the date on the saved draft says anyway. I’ve been wanting to write about Nepal and my travels and time there so badly but I never got to it! Just like I never got to writing about my Europe travels and most probably India too.. or did I already write about India?

Lately I’ve been dreaming Nepal. My memories on Facebook keep notifying me about the good times had in Oxford and the amazing time I had travelling through Kathmandu and Pokhara and I’ve been playing Nepalese music on loop on my YouTube playlist that I set in 2009. I miss Nepalese food, my Ghurkha friends and the amazing people I met in Kathmandu. I can’t wait to travel back in 2017!

Nepal was a magical experience. Kathmandu reminded me of the old Mumbai perhaps, a bit crowded and polluted but that doesn’t take away from the big smiles that people carry. The people are always so friendly and chirpy. Not that I had a doubt about Nepalese hospitality before, but even the small ‘chiya ko dukaan’ (tea stall) to the fancy hotels, the big smiles and big hearts were always so welcoming. I made friends with the bellboy and the receptionist and the milk man and the guy in the souvenir shop in the midst of bustling Thamel. It was hard not to!

The minute I would say ‘hajur’ with respect like my ghurkha friends in Oxford had taught me or ‘kathi daam ho?’ (how much is this?) with a smile, they were won over. Not in a shrewd way of course, but they were so impressed that I got the best of the hospitality packaged with a whole lot of love. Getting love from people and getting people to make you feel like home… now that’s something you seldom experience while travelling. Having travelled a fair bit, I know Nepal made me feel so welcome and embraced my insides. Such a warm feeling!

I was in Kathmandu in December 2014 so it was a bit chilly. Though the weather varied heavily in Kathmandu from mid 20s to 30 degrees in one afternoon, Pokhara was constantly chilly and cloudy. Luckily for me, it wasn’t too cloudy to hinder the paragliding, zip lining, bungee jumping and the treks that I did. I did a short trek to the World Peace Pagoda in Pokhara and another night, got on a bike of a dai I met via this blog, at 4am in the morning to climb the Sarangkot view point to see the sunrise over the Himalayas. Typing the words out now, there are goosebumps forming on my skin- the view was that mesmerizing. Magical.

10850173_10152941629143501_7078807494784086264_n

The sun slowly rose from behind a heavy blanket of clouds and the orangey yellow glistened through. When the first ray of sunlight, hit the first mountain on the Annapurna range, the peak turned to pure gold. And then a sea of warmth shone brightly through the clouds, like a waft of golden honey being dripped on the entire mountain range, pinnacle to foothills and the whole range glimmered in the ocean of gold! I will always remember that magical sunrise as one of the most exhilarating and magical moments of my life. I’ve seen beautiful sunrises and sunsets but having trekked up at 5am, having done a freezing bike ride at 4am and knowing that the sun rose from behind one of the Everest ranges- nothing beats it.

10882293_10152941615948501_6925897289852236399_n

10672_10152941617148501_4607749706202416291_n

If I can disconnect myself from that fantastic view and moment, the momos of Busy Bee bar in Pokhara were the bomb! A backyard connected to a small alleyway leads you to Busy Bee where mind you, it is very busy. As the sunsets, live musicians serenade you to popular English songs where you sit around an open fire, shisha for those who prefer it and beers for others with steaming hot momos, ordered by the plate. Busy bee is definitely worth a visit, or worth many visits for the ambiance it creates and the momos! Momos are steamed dumplings with either chicken, vegetables or pork filling. Unfortunately pork ones were not available that night but I had the pleasure of having some on a short stop riding a bus to Pokhara from Kathandu.

10858442_10152941625973501_2315630856410391894_n

I also met a group of Chinese travellers who I eventually went paragliding with and did some lunch with. They thought I was someone special and we had some very nice photos together. On a weekday, Pokhara is quite lovely to just stroll around or sit by the Fewa Taal (lake) and collect random thoughts about life. Its so very peaceful and beautiful. The little tourist shops here maybe a bit more expensive than usual even though they are very luring and the products look very good! I brought back heaps of little artifacts and a Khukri (Nepalese dagger) home and you just feel like buying everything but its wiser to buy in Kathmandu.

Back in Kathmandu, I did the usual sight seeing of Swayambunath Temple and a few others including Bhaktapur square. The holy places, old palaces and ruins, its all so beautiful and some of them looked Tibetan inspired as well. For a solo traveller, I felt quite safe but I did not wander out after 9pm on my own as Thamel turns into a little club after hours. All the tourist shops close and the bars on the top floors of the buildings start coming to life. Most of them are called ‘dance bars’ and out of curiosity on asking, I found out that a Dance Bar has women dancing and people can dance which to me spelt out as a male attraction so I steered clear from it.

10846161_10152941606858501_720337448799497734_n

I plan to hopefully do Everest Base Camp next year so counting down 359 days until then to visit Nepal again and relive the magic!

And a shout out to all my beautiful friends from Nepal. You guys are as beautiful as your little magical country!

Love,

-T xx